Harumph

Yes, it's been a while since I've written anything. And yes, the reason I'm writing now is because I'm annoyed beyond belief and I feel the need to vent. No, it's not work related, which is surprising, if you knew how annoying my work can be. And yes, I do feel a bit guilty that after a 3 month hiatus from blogging, I'm coming back only to rant and rave and vent.

But anyways...

My school is driving me nuts. I understand, and am willing to be very patient, about incompetent instructors (not all instructors can be the best, so I'll roll with the punches), slight schedule changes, and other various issues that come along with school.

But when you change the next term's schedule COMPLETELY AROUND two weeks before it starts and expect a student who is also working full time to accommodate the changes, you are asking for a huge argument to ensue.

I work 3 nights a week, which is helpful while I go to school. However, it is NIGHT shift. Meaning, if a class is scheduled the next day at 12pm, and I get home at 9am, there are going to be problems. I don't know about you, but I don't normally function well with no sleep. My work schedule gets planned out a month and a half in advance, and was kind enough (and I use that term very loosely) to change my current schedule because it will benefit them - I will have to work every single Friday and Saturday night for the next couple months. Luckily, that's not going to change with this new schedule. However, I have to work one more night during the week, which is the issue. Again, no sleep = very unhappy Grace.

There are many 20-something-year-olds at my school (I have nothing against you, my dear 20-something-year-olds. You're cute as a button... sometimes). They don't work. They can handle schedule changes with no problem. But this working girl is not too happy right now. I'm just gonna console myself with some milk tea. Harumph.

Hope

New Years Eve. Out with the old, in with the new. I’ll definitely agree that 2010 was a rough year. But I’m not sure I can wholeheartedly say I’m looking forward to 2011. I’m a bit nervous for what 2011 will bring. I’m not sure how to approach this new year, this new chapter of my life.

2010 was filled with pain (both literally and figuratively) and patience. I’m not sure if I’ve learned all the lessons I was supposed to learn. I sometimes wonder if I’m just blindly going from one land mine to another.

But there is hope; just the tiniest sliver of hope, glimmering like a tiny snowflake, in my hand. So fragile, not sure if it’s going to last, but believing, at least for that moment, that it’s mine, beautifully all mine.

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; a person or thing in which expectations are centered (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hope)

What is it that I want? What event do I want to turn out for the best? What am I centering my expectations around? I don’t know how to answer these questions just yet. They have changed many times, and changed again when I start analyzing my intentions behind them. But perhaps what’s important is the belief that I can have something and that somehow everything will turn out for the best.

That hope is what gives me a little peace while looking out into what may come in 2011. The hope of something better, the hope of growing stronger, understanding more and passing on that hope to others.

Happy New Year!

Grateful #2

I hate the cold. I don’t know if I’m just being a wuss, but really, I. Hate. The cold. I've always had to carry an extra thick jacket in my car, even during summer months, because a little wind, and I’d be crying.

This makes me a bit scared to travel during the colder months, even though I would love to see Christmas in New York or Paris. My mom did tell me a long time ago that it’s because I live here in southern California. People outside of SoCal, they adapt, they’re heartier. Me, I will never be able to live anywhere else. Sigh.

I also know that cold weather makes my back hurt more. It makes my muscles all tighten up, giving me spasms and achy feelings.

Perhaps this is my excuse to only vacation in tropical areas. Sun, sand, mai tais with little drink umbrellas…. Oh, but I digress.

A good friend once said:

"The water is intoxicating in a way, the way it loosens your muscles and lifts your body. It makes you feel lighter than what you are. Water helps to drain away any feeling of control, and it's the only place where that doesn't bother me. "

And I have to completely agree. I am desperate for control. But, in the water… oh, the water. All of that goes away, just melts off my shoulders, my back, out and away. I’ve learned to enjoy the jacuzzi at a nearby spa for my aches and pains, physical and mental.

But there are days when I can't get to the spa, when the cold just chills me to my bones, and nothing but a scalding hot shower can take away the chattering teeth. My mom seemed to know this about me when I was younger and had me take a couple showers a day during the winter, which is something I still do as needed.

So, today, I want to say that I am grateful for hot water. I am thankful to have healing warm soothing water for my body and soul.

Grateful...

I came to realize something very very simple today: I am grateful for underground parking. It’s been raining quite a lot these last few days, and I realized that it is so easy for me to walk downstairs to my car with no worries, and drive away without thinking twice about it. The reason I am even thinking about this is because I remember my parents’ house in Los Alamitos. We only had street parking, and having to go out in the rain meant getting sopping wet in the 5 seconds it took to get to and from the car. The drainage system was awful there, and any time it rained, the streets would be flooded. We’d have to make sure not to park too close to the corner, otherwise we wouldn't be able to open the car door – the water was THAT high. The El Nino season was especially horrid when there was so much rain that it went up past the sidewalk and the small yard, up to our front door. We literally had to swim to our cars.

Now, I know many people would say, “That’s what galoshes/rain boots are for.” Um… this is Southern California, people. What da heck are rain boots or galoshes? And do they even make those for anyone older than 4 years old??

All of that got me thinking about how LUCKY and BLESSED I am to have an underground parking structure in my apartment building now. Lately, I've been stressed about a few things, distracted, whiny, SELFISH. Sheesh. Where's the faith, the trust? I have to believe that all the other stuffs will eventually get figured out. It’s not like I’m starving, without a roof over my head or a bed to sleep in.

As we get closer to Christmas and the New Year, I am turning the focus away from me. With a very grateful heart, I will continue to focus on things I am grateful for, instead of complaining about things outside of my control or petty things that don’t matter in the long run.

Party of One...

Have you ever been in a situation where you know you’re supposed to be happy but all you can think about is yourself and you start having a pity party for one and start eating everything in sight? No? Yeah, me neither.

Surprise! You've just won... an injection!

I guess I'm still not used to having a blog. Fail. But today's post is kinda long, so it'll either make up for lost time, or tide me over until the next one. I've realized that I haven't really talked about my back injury in detail since I've been on disability and at home. Perhaps I'll go more into detail about that soon, but today is a tidbit of my many doctor appointments. I suppose I could have kept blogging about my back, since I'm always complaining about not having anything to blog about, but... I just didn't feel like delving into my mind about my injury. Yes, I'm sure there is a psychological component there, but regardless, here's what I had to say today....

I had an 11:30 am Pain Management appointment and didn't get home until 1:30 pm. What a surprise. I wasn’t expecting to get a steroid injection because I had gotten one 6 weeks ago, and at that time, the doctor scheduled an appointment to see me in February. I thought today’s appointment was a follow-up for medication refills, where I never see the doctor; the medical assistant just takes my vitals, asks me some questions, comes back with prescriptions signed by the doctor. Imagine my surprise when the medical assistant has me sign a consent form and tells me that the doctor will see me soon.

The doctor then asks me what percent I feel I have gotten better since my injury. It actually took me a while to come up with a number because I hadn’t thought about it in those terms. I am guessing about 80% - the fact that I am still uncomfortable enough during the day to take Vicodin a few times, plus waking up in the morning because of the pain makes me realize that I am not ready for “normal” life. The doctor then recommended another injection. Eeeeep!

As I’m leaving the consultation room and into the procedure room, the doctor asks me, “So, is the pain down your right leg or your left?” Um… what?? YOU don’t KNOW?? I can feel my blood pressure rising (speaking of which, my BP has been increased more than usual the last few months from my norm, and my diastolic is above 80. I’m gonna have to research and find out what’s going on.), and I’m starting to feel panicky.

The first time I had the injection, I was laying down with my head pointing north. Okay, I don’t know if it was north, or south or east or west, but my point is that this time, I was laying down in the opposite direction. I didn’t ask the nurse why – I was too nervous. My first injection was NOT my proudest moment: I screamed. And I cried, a little. No one prepared me for the amount of pain that goes into a friggin’ lumbar steroid injection, even if it is over in less than a minute! Actually, I take that back: a friend did tell me about her experience, and I read up on other people’s injections, but… it’s not the same as actually going through it! So, as I’m getting onto the procedure table, the first thing that pops into my brain is: did the doctor ask which leg because he put the injection on the wrong side, and now he’s having me lay down the opposite way now? But I still can’t get my brain to get the message to my mouth to ask the nurse. Mind you, I’m panicking, nervous, and still not sure WHY I agreed to do this again.

The nurse preps me, the doctor comes in, procedure done. I didn’t cry this time, but I did scream a little into the pillow. I don’t care what anyone says, it was warranted. And I suppose I was a bit more prepared for it this time around. And I’m also glad there wasn’t any electrical problems this time – the last time I was there, there was a power outage right before I went into the procedure room, and as the emergency generators kicked in, I thought to myself, “Do those machines in the procedure room have to be recalibrated??”

I walked out feeling a bit better, a little less nerve pressure going down my left leg. But as I’m sitting here, writing this out, I’m beginning to feel the discomfort coming back again. I know it can take a while for it to kick in, so I’ll be keeping tabs on how I feel in the next couple days. Speaking of “discomfort”, my primary doctor asked me how I was feeling, and I had said that I was feeling uncomfortable during the day, anywhere from 5-7 out of 10, depending on the day. She looked at me and said, “So you’re still having pain?” I looked at her and slowly said, “Yeeeeah, I guess so.” I guess I don’t really think that what I am feeling these days is “pain” because it’s more of a dull aching, stiffness, just uncomfortable. I equate “pain” with what I felt back in the beginning of the year, when everything hurt with sharp, stabbing pain that made me cry every night. These days, I take a Vicodin, and it takes away a little of the edge of the discomfort I’m having, helps me to stop thinking about how uncomfortable I am so I can focus on the things I need to do. And then I take my nighttime regimen of 5 pills so I can be relaxed enough to try to lay down and sleep. I think as soon as the sleep thing is figured out, I’ll really feel that I am able to get back to “normal.”

So, as I’m getting a better handle on my pain, I’m starting to get some of my movement again, which makes me think about what I need to do next: lose weight. I’ve been going to see my primary doctor every month for follow-ups, and every month, I get weighed and that number on the scale has been inching up and up. Quite depressing, honestly. I feel slightly trapped, though, because I know that I need to lose weight to help my back, and yet, because of my back, I can’t seem to exercise much, if at all. There are days when I walk about 10-15 minutes, and I can’t walk another step. And I know people say that 10 minutes is better than nothing, but… still, quite depressing.

I was reminded for the need to lose weight today when the nurse was prepping me today for the procedure. He was looking for my hip bone. If it takes THAT long to look for my hip bone, something’s wrong. Chubster.

Porch time and Tea....

Geez.... and how long has it been since I've blogged?? I just cannot keep up with all this technology! I had originally signed up with Twitter only to keep up with the actors I liked. But the amount of information that comes through via Facebook and Twitter is insanely overwhelming!

Speaking of overwhelming, so many things going on all around us, as usual, right? My back is still healing. I'm able to stand up a bit more, but I still get tired very easily. I need to start walking more.... Gaining all this weight is NOT good for my self esteem.

My grandfather is finally back home! He had open heart surgery a while ago, went to rehab, had some complications. But we were able to get him home this past weekend, and he was so happy!

After having lunch with my whole family to celebrate my grandfather's homecoming, we took my mom back to her house in Seal Beach. My parents have a cute little porch with a couple chairs and a table, so we sat out there, looking through some photo albums and having tea. It was one of the best moments ever! Nice breeze, yummy tea, pictures and storytelling, awesome company.... Sigh. Happy sigh.

We looked at pictures of our Yellowstone vacation from about 5 years ago. It made me want to go on another family vacation to Yellowstone again. What a beautiful America we live in! There are so many places to visit and see and experience! My biggest wish when I get better is to travel, travel, travel!

:)