Christmas in June

Currently listening to: "First Snow First Kiss" by Yeosob and Daniel

I didn't realize it was a Christmas song, and actually wasn't meaning to listen to it, but it popped up on someone's blog so I kept listening. It's a sentimental song about... well, I think the title pretty much sums it up.

I've been reprimanded by a couple of friends to update. So... in my delirium, at 6:00am, having stayed up all night and needing to wake up in 4 hours, here I am, blogging.

I am so weird.

But I digress. My purpose of today's blog is to say that I've been listening to music (specifically, KPop - Korean Pop) nonstop these past few weeks (months? Yes, months). It is very unusual for me to be so obsessed with Korean music - for those that know me, I was the person that would look at you weird for listening/watching KPop music and videos. I think a lot of it was that KPop/KDrama/KMovies were too sentimental, sappy, and overdramatic for me.

And I am NOT a sentimental, sappy, overdramatic person. Okay, well, maybe I am a tad overdramatic AT TIMES, but for the most part, I stayed away from that kind of stuff. I mean, I can't even stand chick flicks. I never wanted to watch love stories. I'll take an action flick any day, thank you very much. I disliked having to go through the emotional roller coaster of someone else's love troubles. Someone once said that he (yes, HE) liked chick flicks because he wanted to "feel something" while watching the movies. I, on the other hand, want to be taken away, not reminded of the real world. I preferred stories that were beyond our reality (LOTR, Harry Potter) or at least beyond MY reality (Ocean's Eleven, Boondock Saints, The Bourne Identity).

So that fact that I started getting into KPop was a huge HUGE surprise to those around me. I'm sure I'll write more about it later, but for now, let's just say, it was just as big a surprise to myself. Even the fast songs are usually about love/relationships/blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm still getting used to it....

I was talking to a friend about the change, about how I've been able to listen to more sentimental music, and she said something very interesting: the pain that I endured last year with my back could have contributed to "softening" my feelings, making me more receptive to sentiments and emotions.

Hmm. What she said has been making me think. And I think I do agree with her. I am not a crying kind of girl. I've always held in my emotions. I could probably count on one hand the situations that have made me cry. But since my injury, I've definitely noticed that I am more emotional.

I don't consider being emotional as being a bad thing anymore. I've been more accepting of it, of myself. I ain't gonna lie - last year was bad. Did a lot of thinking, crying, soul searching, praying. I'm okay with where I am now, I've accepted all that has happened. And if that has led me to becoming more emotional, listening to KPop, and watching KDramas - so be it.

And it doesn't hurt that these KPop boy bands are super cute.

But... that's a different story for another time... Believe me when I say that I can talk for days that on subject.

The sun is rising, the birds are chirping. This tired ol' body is now schlepping herself to bed. I apologize for the bad grammar in today's posting. But, I... kinda don't care at this point. Ha.

Bye-yum!

Surprise! You've just won... an injection!

I guess I'm still not used to having a blog. Fail. But today's post is kinda long, so it'll either make up for lost time, or tide me over until the next one. I've realized that I haven't really talked about my back injury in detail since I've been on disability and at home. Perhaps I'll go more into detail about that soon, but today is a tidbit of my many doctor appointments. I suppose I could have kept blogging about my back, since I'm always complaining about not having anything to blog about, but... I just didn't feel like delving into my mind about my injury. Yes, I'm sure there is a psychological component there, but regardless, here's what I had to say today....

I had an 11:30 am Pain Management appointment and didn't get home until 1:30 pm. What a surprise. I wasn’t expecting to get a steroid injection because I had gotten one 6 weeks ago, and at that time, the doctor scheduled an appointment to see me in February. I thought today’s appointment was a follow-up for medication refills, where I never see the doctor; the medical assistant just takes my vitals, asks me some questions, comes back with prescriptions signed by the doctor. Imagine my surprise when the medical assistant has me sign a consent form and tells me that the doctor will see me soon.

The doctor then asks me what percent I feel I have gotten better since my injury. It actually took me a while to come up with a number because I hadn’t thought about it in those terms. I am guessing about 80% - the fact that I am still uncomfortable enough during the day to take Vicodin a few times, plus waking up in the morning because of the pain makes me realize that I am not ready for “normal” life. The doctor then recommended another injection. Eeeeep!

As I’m leaving the consultation room and into the procedure room, the doctor asks me, “So, is the pain down your right leg or your left?” Um… what?? YOU don’t KNOW?? I can feel my blood pressure rising (speaking of which, my BP has been increased more than usual the last few months from my norm, and my diastolic is above 80. I’m gonna have to research and find out what’s going on.), and I’m starting to feel panicky.

The first time I had the injection, I was laying down with my head pointing north. Okay, I don’t know if it was north, or south or east or west, but my point is that this time, I was laying down in the opposite direction. I didn’t ask the nurse why – I was too nervous. My first injection was NOT my proudest moment: I screamed. And I cried, a little. No one prepared me for the amount of pain that goes into a friggin’ lumbar steroid injection, even if it is over in less than a minute! Actually, I take that back: a friend did tell me about her experience, and I read up on other people’s injections, but… it’s not the same as actually going through it! So, as I’m getting onto the procedure table, the first thing that pops into my brain is: did the doctor ask which leg because he put the injection on the wrong side, and now he’s having me lay down the opposite way now? But I still can’t get my brain to get the message to my mouth to ask the nurse. Mind you, I’m panicking, nervous, and still not sure WHY I agreed to do this again.

The nurse preps me, the doctor comes in, procedure done. I didn’t cry this time, but I did scream a little into the pillow. I don’t care what anyone says, it was warranted. And I suppose I was a bit more prepared for it this time around. And I’m also glad there wasn’t any electrical problems this time – the last time I was there, there was a power outage right before I went into the procedure room, and as the emergency generators kicked in, I thought to myself, “Do those machines in the procedure room have to be recalibrated??”

I walked out feeling a bit better, a little less nerve pressure going down my left leg. But as I’m sitting here, writing this out, I’m beginning to feel the discomfort coming back again. I know it can take a while for it to kick in, so I’ll be keeping tabs on how I feel in the next couple days. Speaking of “discomfort”, my primary doctor asked me how I was feeling, and I had said that I was feeling uncomfortable during the day, anywhere from 5-7 out of 10, depending on the day. She looked at me and said, “So you’re still having pain?” I looked at her and slowly said, “Yeeeeah, I guess so.” I guess I don’t really think that what I am feeling these days is “pain” because it’s more of a dull aching, stiffness, just uncomfortable. I equate “pain” with what I felt back in the beginning of the year, when everything hurt with sharp, stabbing pain that made me cry every night. These days, I take a Vicodin, and it takes away a little of the edge of the discomfort I’m having, helps me to stop thinking about how uncomfortable I am so I can focus on the things I need to do. And then I take my nighttime regimen of 5 pills so I can be relaxed enough to try to lay down and sleep. I think as soon as the sleep thing is figured out, I’ll really feel that I am able to get back to “normal.”

So, as I’m getting a better handle on my pain, I’m starting to get some of my movement again, which makes me think about what I need to do next: lose weight. I’ve been going to see my primary doctor every month for follow-ups, and every month, I get weighed and that number on the scale has been inching up and up. Quite depressing, honestly. I feel slightly trapped, though, because I know that I need to lose weight to help my back, and yet, because of my back, I can’t seem to exercise much, if at all. There are days when I walk about 10-15 minutes, and I can’t walk another step. And I know people say that 10 minutes is better than nothing, but… still, quite depressing.

I was reminded for the need to lose weight today when the nurse was prepping me today for the procedure. He was looking for my hip bone. If it takes THAT long to look for my hip bone, something’s wrong. Chubster.

Sleep...

I had my 19 year-old cousin sleep, D, over at my place last night because today we had a graduation to go to for our other cousin at USC (so proud of you, E!). We stayed up until 3:00 a.m. watching "Pride and Prejudice". :) It never gets old....

But this sleepover made me realize something about myself: I like my own space. I don't know what my husband would say, if I were to get married. I think I would want my own bed, in my own room. I don't do so well with other people sleeping near me. My cousin slept on my (pooey evil) bed, while I was in my usual spot on the floor. Why, you ask? 2 herniated discs. The bed is evil, I tell you. It looks so inviting and coaxes me to lay down, rest my weary head. And then, it sucks me in, and makes a mess of my back, and laughs at me, with no mercy.

I warned my cousin about my sleeping "routine": I sleep on the ground for 4 hours, after which I wake up in immense pain. I get up, very slowly (I think I timed it one time: 12 minutes), make my way to my desk and eat my half peanut butter sandwich and take my meds. Then, a bathroom run (um, more like a crawl), and then I sit in my office chair, tilt it back, and prop my feet up on my bed for about another 4-6 hours of sleep.

My cousin made me crack up when she said, "Oh, okay. So if I wake up and see you crawling around, I shouldn't freak out that it's a paranormal activity, huh?"

Gotta love my cousin.

But as much as I love her (really, D, I love you to death), I didn't sleep much. I think I might have slept for about an hour or two after I woke up and relocated to my chair. By the way... I only use my bed to prop up my feet on the bottom left corner. So... on a queen sized bed, why do my cousin's feet have to be in that bottom left corner when I relocate? I'm just wondering... that's all.

I ended up not going to my other cousin's graduation at USC. I forgot that that would require me to walk. Which is something I'm not really good at right now. And I am reminded of my injury every moment of my waking (and sleeping!) hours. So what in tarnation would make me think that I could endure sitting through traffic to get to the university, look for parking (mind you, this is a very big school with many different departments' graduations), walk through a parking structure, across a busy street, through the campus, sit through the speeches, wade through the thousands of people to find my cousin, stand to take pictures, walk back across campus and the street to the parking structure to the car to the next celebration location... you get the picture, right?

I had convinced myself up until the last night that I was going to attend the graduation today.

I must be delusional.

I treated myself to some Starbuck's iced Americano, in case you're wondering why I'm not napping and rambling on and on....

Beep beep!

I've been dreading going to the store to run my errands because it takes so much effort to walk around the store (pooey on my 2 herniated discs). It takes a lot out of me, even though I'm taking my time, leaning on the shopping cart, etc. Plus, it doesn't help that I get so easily distracted - I know what's down each aisle, but... I still feel the need to look at everything.

Yesterday, I finally went to Target with my friend. Oh, how I love that store. Oh, how I had missed that store!

I was a bit worried how I was going to get around the store.... until I saw a woman parking an electric scooter with a basket in the front.

Yippee!! Have you ever tried navigating a scooter? It takes some time to get used to driving those things around....! Well, I guess it doesn't help that I had taken my meds before going to the store.

Hehehehe.....

Sorry, Target, for the mess on aisle 4. Really, I didn't know how to stop my scooter from running into the boxes of Kleenex. Really. I couldn't... stop. Muahahahaha!! :)

Stress

I am so stressed out...! This blog, Twitter, Facebook.... there are so many places for me to update my status and write about the world around me. And it's freakin' stressing me out!

Some people have themes, and they choose to write about movies, bad pictures, travel. Many write about their motherhood or marriages.

I am not a mother. I am not married. I don't travel enough, watch movies enough, or take pictures enough. I feel the need to write about something witty, funny, interesting, meaningful. But I'm not always feeling witty, funny, nor do I find everything interesting or meaningful.

Thus, I am stressed.

You would think that I would have better things to be stressed about: my 2 herniated discs, being on disability, not having been to work since mid-January, trying to manage my pain, trying to pay bills....

But no.... I have my priorities straight.