Hope

New Years Eve. Out with the old, in with the new. I’ll definitely agree that 2010 was a rough year. But I’m not sure I can wholeheartedly say I’m looking forward to 2011. I’m a bit nervous for what 2011 will bring. I’m not sure how to approach this new year, this new chapter of my life.

2010 was filled with pain (both literally and figuratively) and patience. I’m not sure if I’ve learned all the lessons I was supposed to learn. I sometimes wonder if I’m just blindly going from one land mine to another.

But there is hope; just the tiniest sliver of hope, glimmering like a tiny snowflake, in my hand. So fragile, not sure if it’s going to last, but believing, at least for that moment, that it’s mine, beautifully all mine.

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; a person or thing in which expectations are centered (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hope)

What is it that I want? What event do I want to turn out for the best? What am I centering my expectations around? I don’t know how to answer these questions just yet. They have changed many times, and changed again when I start analyzing my intentions behind them. But perhaps what’s important is the belief that I can have something and that somehow everything will turn out for the best.

That hope is what gives me a little peace while looking out into what may come in 2011. The hope of something better, the hope of growing stronger, understanding more and passing on that hope to others.

Happy New Year!

Grateful #2

I hate the cold. I don’t know if I’m just being a wuss, but really, I. Hate. The cold. I've always had to carry an extra thick jacket in my car, even during summer months, because a little wind, and I’d be crying.

This makes me a bit scared to travel during the colder months, even though I would love to see Christmas in New York or Paris. My mom did tell me a long time ago that it’s because I live here in southern California. People outside of SoCal, they adapt, they’re heartier. Me, I will never be able to live anywhere else. Sigh.

I also know that cold weather makes my back hurt more. It makes my muscles all tighten up, giving me spasms and achy feelings.

Perhaps this is my excuse to only vacation in tropical areas. Sun, sand, mai tais with little drink umbrellas…. Oh, but I digress.

A good friend once said:

"The water is intoxicating in a way, the way it loosens your muscles and lifts your body. It makes you feel lighter than what you are. Water helps to drain away any feeling of control, and it's the only place where that doesn't bother me. "

And I have to completely agree. I am desperate for control. But, in the water… oh, the water. All of that goes away, just melts off my shoulders, my back, out and away. I’ve learned to enjoy the jacuzzi at a nearby spa for my aches and pains, physical and mental.

But there are days when I can't get to the spa, when the cold just chills me to my bones, and nothing but a scalding hot shower can take away the chattering teeth. My mom seemed to know this about me when I was younger and had me take a couple showers a day during the winter, which is something I still do as needed.

So, today, I want to say that I am grateful for hot water. I am thankful to have healing warm soothing water for my body and soul.

Grateful...

I came to realize something very very simple today: I am grateful for underground parking. It’s been raining quite a lot these last few days, and I realized that it is so easy for me to walk downstairs to my car with no worries, and drive away without thinking twice about it. The reason I am even thinking about this is because I remember my parents’ house in Los Alamitos. We only had street parking, and having to go out in the rain meant getting sopping wet in the 5 seconds it took to get to and from the car. The drainage system was awful there, and any time it rained, the streets would be flooded. We’d have to make sure not to park too close to the corner, otherwise we wouldn't be able to open the car door – the water was THAT high. The El Nino season was especially horrid when there was so much rain that it went up past the sidewalk and the small yard, up to our front door. We literally had to swim to our cars.

Now, I know many people would say, “That’s what galoshes/rain boots are for.” Um… this is Southern California, people. What da heck are rain boots or galoshes? And do they even make those for anyone older than 4 years old??

All of that got me thinking about how LUCKY and BLESSED I am to have an underground parking structure in my apartment building now. Lately, I've been stressed about a few things, distracted, whiny, SELFISH. Sheesh. Where's the faith, the trust? I have to believe that all the other stuffs will eventually get figured out. It’s not like I’m starving, without a roof over my head or a bed to sleep in.

As we get closer to Christmas and the New Year, I am turning the focus away from me. With a very grateful heart, I will continue to focus on things I am grateful for, instead of complaining about things outside of my control or petty things that don’t matter in the long run.